


Byakuya's diary: notes to Hisana

by Ladycroft4evr



Category: Bleach
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:09:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 5,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25151392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ladycroft4evr/pseuds/Ladycroft4evr
Summary: Just as Byakuya Kuchiki talks to his late wife Hisana's photograph, he writes to her... moments of peace and calm, which feels much the same to him as conversing with that beloved image at her shrine.- My interpretation of Byakuya's actions, thoughts which go by this enigmatic, outwardly calm, collected and aloof Shinigami's head, him with all his pride and even that arrogance... who is actually a big softie, bound by the rigors of his society, his responsibilities as the head of the Kuchiki clan and an elite Soul Reaper, who loves his wife immensely and cares a great deal for his sister.
Comments: 34
Kudos: 11





	1. One spring after... peach blossoms and you

Dearest Hisana,

Have I told you how much I miss your presence, your smile…Every peach blossom that now blooms in our garden and dances on the wind reminds me of you. And the last thing you ever asked of me. 

Missing you is an ache in my heart that I feel with every beat, one that never goes away. That you are not with me any more than your essence. But know this, that I loved enough for a lifetime in those five years…Do you know, my love, I have no regrets about my life, save one. We never had children of our own. Would that have eased your pain, do you think? I only wish the guilt hadn't consumed you so, taking you away from me before your time, before mine, before those peach blossoms you adored could bloom again and cheer you up…

I know you are here. But I wish you were right here so I could tell you I found her, the baby girl you lost. I found her, Hisana…your little sister. A quiet little thing with big eyes. And she looks just like you. She's a shinigami, a junior student at the Academy with great potential, according to the faculty. All those years you spent looking for her, and she decides to become a Shinigami, and our paths cross. Surely it was fate that led her there, all the way from Inuzuri, and now me to her.

I went to invite her into our family. She belongs here, with you and I…It is my duty, and my privilege to raise her, look after her. I took the elders with me to the Shino Academy, formally and with all respect let her know we wished to adopt her as my little sister. She has yet to reply, but I can arrange for things. The Kuchiki clan certainly has the power and connections required. She would be allowed to graduate immediately, and I will arrange for her to be part of the 13th squad. Ukitake would ensure her safety while she is out of my sight. I will keep her safe, always. 

The household is rebelling, as is expected. Once again, I am going against their rules and customs and laws. Some things never change…I understand where they are coming from. Perchance, they could see where I was coming from. I am head of the clan after all, so I have asked that there be no unseemly whispers or ripples in the fabric of the household when she comes. She wouldn't be a misfit, she wouldn't sully the family name. They will see. Her eyes hold wisdom and maturity beyond her age. Life in Rukongai must have done that for her. Was it the same with you? I wish we had found her sooner so she would not have had to suffer so much so early in life. And yet she carries herself with quiet grace. 

I know, I am bringing her home. I promised you, and I will keep that promise. I will atone for my crimes against the family laws, but one way or other, your little girl is coming home…


	2. Another flower blooms...Let me tell you about her...

My dearest,

Seasons pass by in the blink of an eye… flowers bloom in our garden, the petals fall and are carried gently to the ground by the breeze, soft carpets on the dewy grass that you once walked upon. Seasons pass by. And yet I am here, and you are not…

I wish I could tell you in person, wish I could see your smile when I tell you about her. Rukia.

Today was Rukia’s first day as part of the 13 court guards. She reported in this evening, a little while ago. An uneventful day, she said. She is an ordinary court guard, not a seated officer, which I think disturbs her to some degree for fear she has let me down.

She has not, but she worries too much. She is obedient, respectful, and holds me in such high regard. I do not want her to doubt herself though. She does not know, but it is for her own good. A seated officer would be given missions, dangerous ones. How can I protect her when I cannot be sure of the situations and environments they might put her in? The 13th squad is the best place for her right now. I admit that I do not understand Ukitake sometimes, but I have known him for so long I am sure he is the best Captain she could serve under. He will watch out for her and keep her safe when I am not around. He trusts Kaien Shiba, his lieutenant, to do the same. He has given me his word.

Personally I would prefer she was not around any sort of danger. But she wished to be a Shinigami and worked so hard for it that I can not take it away from her. And it might be a little self serving of me, but this way I can be around should she ever need my help, as I have my work and responsibilities. I would worry less if she is within my sights, even if it is as one of the court guards.

She likes rabbits, for some reason. She has etched one on her desk, which should have irritated me. A desk is meant for paperwork and studies, is it not. One should not mar the perfectly smooth finish of the wood and disrespect the object. But I found it oddly endearing. And she admires the Wakame Ambassador. As well she should, he is magnificent; but it is a pleasant thought that she does.

She reminds me of you, so much, that it hurts sometimes. I miss you so much more in those instances, that I almost resent fate for robbing me of you, and robbing you of the pleasure of watching her, and knowing she is safe and cared for. There is a childlike innocence in her, and even though I believe I have seen some hint of sass at times in her eyes, she is deeply respectful and mindful of propriety and rank in every aspect of her life. She works hard, trains hard. I am proud of her, seated officer or not. I am so proud of the young woman that she is, brave and strong, even though I had no part in her upbringing. I wish I had. She seems to have done fine by herself, but if we had her when you were here with me, we could watch her grow up together, could we not…

I am glad I found her. I shall keep my promise to you, keep her safe. I shall cherish her, for she is the last living link I have to you, my beloved.

Until the next flower blooms…

Byakuya


	3. Pale moon and a bloodied sword...

Dearest Hisana,

I wish you were here. Not for me, my love, not this time, but for her. Rukia.

I feel at a loss, for the first time in this very long life of mine. For I do not know how to help her this time.

I understand that she is disturbed, to put it mildly. She allowed emotions to rule her mind. To concede to feelings is to concede victory to the heart over the mind, is it not. That is a fundamental rule every Shinigami must follow. I would reprimand her for it, yet I find that I cannot. I saw her eyes, Hisana. Those eyes that look like yours, devoid of any life as she apologized for being late. She said she was deeply sorry if she caused me concern or made me wait, as she found me in the garden instead of my being in my chambers at this time of the night. There was an incident at the 13th squad barracks and she had to take care of it.

Normally I am not privy to the happenings within another squad's barracks. Today, however, was unusual. I received the Onmitsukido's report to all captains: the attempted invasion by a strange Hollow, resulting in the death of 13th squad's lieutenant and their third seated officer as they engaged in battle with the creature. Furthermore, Rukia's captain sent word that she had gone to deliver Lieutenant Kaien Shiba's body to his kin. I only waited for Rukia's return because this was out of the norm. In all these years, nothing like this has occurred. And Ukitake would not inform me of Rukia's whereabouts unless he himself was concerned for her.

She did not look well when she returned, enough that my concern was warranted. She assured me she was not hurt, and apologized for the state of her attire, when I enquired of her wellbeing. She had blood on her robes. Doubtless she had engaged in battle along with the others. She had blood on her sword as well, that even the torrent of the evening rain had not washed away. She held it loosely by the hilt, unguarded. This was unlike her. Even though the Hollow was destroyed, Rukia looked as though she was thoroughly defeated.

Outwardly she appeared unharmed. But guilt and grief weighed over her as she stood there waiting for me to bid her leave. I know, because I have felt that weight upon myself once, when I lost you. I understand loss, the burden of it. But who was this man, that his death crushed Rukia's being so much? Did she care for him to that extent? I never knew him personally. I knew of him, that he was the current head of the Shiba clan and that he was Ukitake's trusted lieutenant. What was he for Rukia, I wonder. He was her superior. And so she held him in high regard, no doubt. But why would she feel so much guilt over the death of a fellow soldier, in a battle that was unavoidable, and is part of every Shinigami's duty? I do not understand this. Yet I feel I must offer her something, for she is distraught. Even when I believe she brought this upon herself by allowing herself to develop this level of attachment to any one person, particularly a fellow soldier. As her brother, I should guide her, help her out of this trench of emotions she finds herself in now. I just...I am not sure how.

I should not press upon the matter, as I understand it. My censure is perhaps the last thing she needs right now. I do not know how to deal with such things, and I must admit I feel out of depth. It is not something I cherish. I shall however, do my best, in the ways I do know.

I excused her from whatever duties she felt she had to fulfill at home tonight. Surely she would prefer solitude to my company. Am I too hard on her, Hisana. It is what is expected of me though, is it not. She is not a child, and I must not treat her as such.

I have seen to it that food be taken up to her quarters, that she is tended to, and would not be disturbed. She should be comfortable for the night.   
I trust that she finds peace of mind under my roof. That I can give her.   
And perhaps, if she wishes, I could listen.

I shall sit here a while longer, watch the koi that I tend in our pond. No, I am not waiting for any restless soul in my manor who perhaps is unable to sleep. There is a beautiful moon out tonight. The rain has washed the skies clear... I am here to watch the moon and the skies.

Byakuya.


	4. Ripples in the pond... silence, and the moon

My dearest,

It has been a while since I spoke to you at length, has it not… My responsibilities as captain of the 6th squad have increased of late and thereby the demands on my time. I am not complaining, nor will I ever. Duty is precisely that, and I shall do all that is expected of me. 

I can hear the wind outside, a keening that is not pleasing to the ears. And the water in our garden pond that is agitated, lapping the shore because of this wind. 

I feel a little…odd. I do not know how else to tell you. 

Have I done something wrong? In all these years… I have tried my best to do everything properly, all that is expected of me as a man, a leader of the Kuchiki clan, a ranking officer of the 13 court guards. I have never shirked any responsibility, never treated anyone in any way that could be termed impropriety of any manner. Least of all, with Rukia. After forty years under my care, she still does not approach me for anything. 

Am I not everything an older brother must be to her. I have ensured she does not want for anything, that her every need is catered to, that she is safe…As safe as a Shinigami can be. Never have I given her a reason to not trust me. And yet, I must learn from Ukitake that she has been transferred to the world of the living for a month. Had I not known her well enough, I would take that as disrespect of our relationship and an insult to me as an older brother. However, Rukia has never been anything but respectful. Why then, would she not inform me of the transfer in person? Does she fear me? That has never been my intention. Respect and trust is an honor. Fear is too, though only from an opponent. Not from my sister. 

I suppose I should not find it odd that she would be assigned to the world of the living. It has been 40 years since she was inducted into the 13th squad. One assignment by herself away from the Soul Society should not be surprising after all this time. Nor should it cause alarm. And yet, it does. Am I being unreasonable? I would be loathe to think I am. I have not acted upon the impulse to follow her and ensure her safety. One should not give in to impulses, emotions. The heart should never rule the mind. I do believe concern is within limits of reason, as it is my duty to care for her. 

I am not sure what contributes more to the mild discomfort I feel, however. The fact that she left without informing me, or the fact that she is out there by herself. 

There are no reports from the Onmitsukido of anything that Rukia cannot handle in the world of the living. Ukitake mentioned only a regular assignment. She will finish the same and return soon as is expected of her. I shall not impose. 

I do, however, expect her to not repeat this. Perhaps I will take this up when she returns. 

I feel better for talking to you, my love. You always listened, you always understood. Even when there was not a word spoken, you listened…Do you hear it now? The ripples on the surface of our pond, they have quelled… It is much more peaceful than earlier. There is a gentle breeze now. And yet another full moon, its reflection dancing on those soft ripples. It’s beauty is nothing compared to you, my beloved…But you would have liked the view.   
Stay with me a while longer, watch this moon with me like you used to...

Byakuya


	5. Falling blossoms... barren trees and flights of fancy

My beloved,

Petals fall off the sweet blossoms from the trees in our garden, an annual act of the winds every fall. This time it feels wrong, to see the trees barren, one by one. I am unable to find the beauty in these bare, dry limbs, or of the trees yonder.

I am beginning to think I may be a fanciful person, after all. Not for any reason pleasing to the mind, however.

I must begin with an apology, for it appears I have failed. I have been given express orders from Central 46 to retrieve Rukia from the world of the living. They suspect her of having committed a Class 1 offense, and I am to fetch her from her assigned post from whence she has not returned for months now. The offense is transfer of her powers to a mortal soul. 

I am sure it is a failure of my guardianship, and of my leadership. And yet I do not understand where have I failed. I have done everything according to the law all my life, save for two instances: once for you, the other, for Rukia. She has no knowledge thus far, of either. I have always upheld our most sacred rules as Shinigamis. Professionally I keep myself detached from any and all things that could ever cloud judgment or compromise with duty. I strive to be an example to those around me, at all times… Where then, did I err with Rukia…?

How did this come to pass? I have never before believed in such things as the inevitable, fate, destiny. We make our own destiny, do we not. The paths we follow take us where they lead to. If we chose wrong, we chose wrong. Fear and foreboding are not for those of a practical mind. However, it feels as though I might be a fanciful person after all, for I most certainly cannot say this bodes well for either of us, Rukia or myself. 

The reports from the Onmitsukido mention a human boy wearing a Shinigami’s robes and a Zanpakuto, who reportedly injured a Menos severely and forced it to retreat to Hueco Mundo. The boy has been sighted at every single site of Rukia’s missions since she was sent to the world of the living. The reports cite Rukia as inhabiting a gigai. What has the girl gone and done...? 

Did she really commit the crime she has been accused of. If she has, I am not sure how I can protect her from her own actions and their consequences. I fear I may not be able to uphold the promise I gave you, if what she has been accused of has really come to pass in that manner.

I do not want any misfortune to befall her. But I must heed the orders received from Central 46 and depart immediately. I am preparing to leave. I will be accompanied by my Lieutenant.

My dearest, I find myself hoping all of this is not true. And even that feels wrong…


	6. No victory in sight...

My dearest…

I am losing this battle before I begin. There is no easy way to say this, and I shall not take recourse to long and pointless statements like so many others around me. 

Rukia is in prison. I put her there. I had no choice.

She is in the holding cell within the 6th division barracks which was the most I could do after I brought her back. Central 46 will likely declare her execution in 36 days. She has been found guilty of the crimes she was accused of. Rukia Kuchiki has indeed transferred the powers of a Shinigami into a mortal's soul. I saw it myself and I cannot lie. The Onmitsukido’s reports were accurate. 

I believe I know why Rukia acted recklessly and violated this law no Shinigami ever must. I saw the boy, Hisana. He looks like her dead superior Kaien Shiba. The resemblance is there. And she begged for his life… Even after I severed his soul body's vitals, she stepped in to request that I stay his execution. I acceded to her request and left him there. I could have finished him with the snap of a finger. But I saw in her eyes that which I saw years ago the night Shiba died: grief and guilt. She professed both as she held herself responsible for the boy’s plight. She wished he would live a moment longer, should that be possible. For her sake, I left the boy there, where he would likely perish without further help from me in that regard. In the unlikely event that he should survive, he would no longer have the powers he received from Rukia, and that would have to do. It seemed to be the only thing I could give her, that leniency. 

I cannot appeal against a ruling from the Central 46. Sympathy for relatives is not befitting a Shinigami, let alone a squad captain. Even if I wish to help her, my hands are tied… I swore on my parents' grave that I would never again break a law, that bringing her home would be the last time I broke any rule, law or custom.

What do I do now, Hisana… So desperate was I to bring to fruition whatever you asked of me, that I made two promises I never should have… for in keeping one, I break the other. I cannot save her without breaking the vow I made to my parents, and I cannot honor that promise without breaking the one I gave you…What do I do…


	7. Heart as cold as ice...

They say I have no heart... that if I do have one, it is cold as ice, and hard as a rock.

What they do not understand, is that I am not permitted to have one...

A squad captain whose sister is a convicted criminal can have no feelings of sympathy towards said criminal. The head of Kuchiki clan cannot condone the actions of one who has committed such an act as has been condemned by Central 46.

I went to deliver her sentence today, Hisana. She stood there, uttering not one word as I read out the declaration from Central 46. Execution by Sokyoku in 30 days. My lieutenant had more to say and express than Rukia ever had. She met my eyes, and that was the extent of all contact we had. The last time I would see her before the execution. Pale and thin and barely alive, she had the appearance of a specter. And the hollowed out eyes of one. The guards had reported that the prisoner refused food and water since the day she was brought in. But those reports should not affect me. I who have no emotions or sentiments can have no concern for the prisoner who decided to punish herself for all her crimes, the ones she perceived she committed and the ones she has been convicted of.

Everyone has an opinion on how I should handle my sister's... situation, for lack of a better word. From Squad 3 captain Ichimaru and Squad 11 captain Kenpachi to Rukia's captain Ukitake. What do they know? Why would they care? It is no affair of theirs. My family is my business, and mine alone. How I face my failures and disappointments should be no concern of theirs.

For I have failed. I have failed you... and I have failed her. Hisana, my love... forgive me... For I have truly lost her now, the girl you spent your entire life seeking, wanting to protect her and nothing else...When I found her I vowed to protect her with everything I had, and in so doing keep my promise to you. Yet here I am, watching helplessly as dawn rises on my losses again. I see it, Hisana. The beginning of the end.


	8. A hundred different tests for my soul.

I do not know what else I should understand from all this, Hisana. Except that I am being tested. As the head of Kuchiki clan, as a Shinigami, as a Gotei 13 Squad Captain, as a brother. Over, and over again.

My patience is being tested, too. Insubordination I can consider, but accepting defeat I cannot. I find I cannot depend on my Vice Captain anymore. That insolent fool. He knew better than to come back half dead.

Apologies, my love. I admit my fury has not subsided, and so neglected to mention what happened. Renji went to fight him, that boy. He is here. The one who took Rukia's powers, the one I left for dead in the mortal realm. Along with him, a posse of ryoka are running around the Seiretei wreaking havoc. Apparently they all are trying to halt the execution. Rukia's execution. 

I am sorry, my beloved. That I am now contemplating the death of that one person you asked me to protect. The only thing you asked of me, ever, I find I can no longer fulfil your wish. Rukia, for whom I willingly broke all the rules and customs once again. I am now fated to stand by and watch her die. What do I do... I swore to my parents' grave that I would never again do so. The law is the law. If we do not set the example, who will... As head of the Kuchiki Clan, as a Squad Captain of Gotei 13, if I do not, who else will uphold the law? I am not allowed the luxury of foolish sentiments. And therefore it is my duty to carry out the sentence meted out by Central 46, to stop by any and all means necessary those that threaten to stand in the way of law, order and justice in the Soul Society. 

So I went to confront the intruders at the Shishinro. And here I was tested again. My resolve, by Rukia - a pale shadow of herself. And then a nameless, faceless officer of the fourth squad, a descendant of the Shiba clan - I do not know what his motives were, would he not be joyous that Rukia was sentenced to death? - who was saved by Ukitake, that irritating pest of a boy Kurosaki Ichigo who refuses to die, and of all people, Yoruichi. They all wish to save her. Surely this is a mockery of my self. 

Honor, valor, patience. Law, order, justice. Integrity, loyalty. What all do they want to mock? I dealt with each test the best I could, in accordance with all of the principles that have been imparted to me by my forefathers, in accordance with my faith in the system and my loyalty to Gotei 13. But I failed in one. How can I help her... What do I do...? Hisana, what do I do...


	9. A bottomless abyss...

I lost, Hisana. I lost, and I am lost. I fought with all I had for everything I believed was right, even when my heart screamed otherwise. I walked past her when they put her on the execution stand, not sparing one glance. I fought with my own emotions, I fought with Renji, I fought that human boy Kurosaki. They gave every drop of their blood and their last ounce of strength to save her, and I forced myself to do the opposite.

Why… why could I not save her, the girl for whom I broke laws and protocols and customs for over 50 years, whom I vowed to protect with all my strength, why did I stand by when they sentenced her, when they strung her up and crucified her…When strangers were willing to die over and over again for her, why could I not do more for her… That boy Kurosaki said he would fight the law, in my position. In my position… I would have scoffed at that earlier, but now… The futility and pointlessness of everything around me now is staggering.

I find that everything in life is a choice. And I chose wrong. Nothing is black and white. The law is not always the last word. Punishment is not always justice. Sentences are not always fair. And I, as a brother, I should have been there for her instead of leaving her to the system.

My sword is destroyed. I gave my word that I would not pursue Rukia or her saviors any more. Perchance there is something more that I can do in this situation, but I cannot decide on a course of action other than to stay out of the way. I am so tired, my love…I know I do not deserve the title of elder brother. I –   
Ah. I hear the Tenteikura. Squad 4 Captain has an announcement. I wonder if Rukia –


	10. Resonance...fortitude and good fortune

She’s safe. At long last, Rukia is safe again, as safe as a Shinigami can be.

Hisana, my love, I apologize for leaving so suddenly yesterday. I had to go to her… I kept my promise, Hisana. I took the blade Ichimaru sent towards her, I held her away from Aizen. It was all I could do at the time, but I did… I shudder to think of what would have happened if I arrived a second late. But I did… If only I had realized earlier. Nothing was worth her life. You knew, did you not. You gave up yours looking for her. I know now that we must protect those that are precious to us, at whatever cost. I owe thanks to that human boy for this realization. And to Renji. I was blind, Hisana. I would like to think I am not, after all this.

I told Rukia. She knows. She knows who you were to her, what she is to me. Forgive me, but I had to tell her. She believed I adopted her simply because she resembled my dead wife. She believed I did not care for her wellbeing, that her being alive did not matter to me… Poor child.

Hisana, when you were here, did I come across as cold hearted, ever…? Perchance, my heart cooled once you left this plane… I built walls of propriety and laws and rules around myself... And so those closest to me never knew the truth. They never knew how much I valued them… I must let them know. From time to time, I must.

I am now looking out this window from my room in the 4th division barracks, and there is peace and order in the Seiretei. In my chambers as well. Of course I have been allotted my own chambers several flights up, befitting a Squad Captain. But that does not seem to deter a parade of Ryoka from invading my space. They come in like tornadoes, they do… even through these open widows. That boy especially. Kurosaki Ichigo. He insists on calling me without honorifics or my titles, though I feel letting it slip is the least I could do at present. I do owe him for everything he did to save my sister. And Renji keeps watch at all times. He refuses to leave. I am certain he must have asked himself why I was still alive, at some point between my defeating him and Aizen's betrayal and departure… though he refuted that as well. But it is difficult for me to open up. I know I must and I shall make sure I do, so I may not repeat the mistakes I have made in the recent past. I must admit though, it is a bit odd, expressing every emotion I feel when I am used to keeping them all in check. Ah well. I shall choose which ones to express then. I really wish you were here, Hisana. You would have helped.

Rukia is doing well. Her injuries are healing at a good pace. She went to Shiba Kukaku to apologize for Kaien's death. A good thing as I understand that she harboured that guilt all of these years, even though it was not her fault. It pleases me to think of her as free of this particular burden. She sent word that the Shiba clan have asked her to dine with them tonight. I shall ask after her once she returns.

The Ryoka will return to earth tomorrow. Rukia will stay here. She chose to stay. I am glad that is what she chose. 

I am tired, still. These past few weeks were… strenuous. 4th Squad captain has done her very best and most of my wounds have healed, but that is not what I meant. I feel some burden has lifted from my shoulders too, Hisana… I shall protect her, take care of her, let her know she has a brother who values her very much. I look forward to returning home, knowing for certain she is safe and unharmed at all times… And I look forward to watching the moon with you once again, unencumbered by doubts and feelings of unrest. I will wait for the full moon and the peach blossoms…And you…

Until next time, my darling…

All my love,

Byakuya.


End file.
